Those who consider guidelines for bonton or etiquette to be an unnecessary breadth of knowledge to the everyday layman would be surprised to find out the absence of humor surrounding the Ten Commandments. Albeit the Commandments are not responsible for laying the groundwork of how a gentleman should conduct himself around others, as without it he would not be able to call himself a gentleman. Although it would take an extra level of craftyness in order to be able to make up for any sins committed according to the Decalogue, this craftyness is to be expected.

With this in mind, it shouldn’t be taken as a hint that there are greater guidelines to which to abide by than the Ten Commandments themselves, rather, an illumination of what they actually are – a sort of guide to manners and morals – which people often fail to see on the surface. The stereotypical gentleman in sentimental fiction has often been depicted as that of a very studied, seemingly robotic nature amongst those lesser educated and less refined. At the same time the gentleman depicted in melodrama and romantic fiction has a sort of charismatic bluntness to him. As a result of these commandments, it is worthwhile to celebrate the civility they bring us, retaining each individual’s ability to stay within reasonable limits in and of themselves.

As such, to the Chinese sage Confucius a moral philosophy in which virtue and politeness were to separate entities was unthinkable, as to him “courtesies should come from the heart” and “when they are acted upon with all of one’s heart, it increases our level of morality”.

Nevertheless, there are people who see etiquette as a series of boresome and burdensome acts one needs to memorize in order to execute them, often considered impractical for the rugedness of modernity, but nonetheless these people continously forget the fact that the refined nature of etiquette and the eloquence with which it carries itself and it’s exhibitor are a result of trial and error for man to better himself since the early, raw days of man. Rules for decorum were established in order to regulate man’s conduct within the tribe, as well as outside of it. These rules have essentially become the rules of life, that protect the right of man to live, and we must abide by them in order to protect this right for ourselves and others. Without it, we descend into anarchy.

Eons before man relished in a feast shared amongst many, he ate his meals tucked away in some corner, hidden from his fellow men who might be stronger and hungrier than him. It took quite a long time for people to start eating together, to congregate into tribes, to be able to determine the available supply of food and whether it will be enough for all, as well as to help each other out in hunting and gathering as some tribesmen were good with certain skills while others with other skills, that together benefited the whole tribe. Since the inception of eating with other human beings, table manners, or the act we put on to make us delightful to eat with, has constantly been improving and refining. The tradition of raising a hat derives from friendly knights raising their visor when meeting or passing each other as a sign of respect.

During the times when knights roamed, it was crucial to distinguish between friendly and enemy knights, as meeting an enemy meant instantly resorting to a fight to the death. Therefore drawing upon these past experiences and how etiquette has evolved over the years, it is clear to us that having good manners is not only a way to make our lives easier, but also crucial in establishing and maintaining human relationships. You can imagine how the Paris Peace Conference would’ve turned out if no diplomatic etiquette was used.

Despite all this, the very word ‘etiquette’ tends to annoy some people. To them the idea of etiquette is a series of trivial, unimportant acts in human relations that are a waste of time. In a sort of way, they are right, they are essentially unimportant, but then again life is made up of seemingly trivial, unimportant acts that we must repeat on a daily basis. To those who do not like the word ‘etiquette’, it reminds them of a series of unnecessary and nitpicky actions. To them, it could either mean a sort of fluff on the big scheme of life, or an obstacle for the development of a strong and brave nation, or both. To people whom possess this mindset, then etiquette and politeness are usually synonymous with weakness. To these same people the idea of a polite individual might be those men who are good at dancing, or those who make fancy women’s hats.

Many people in the past often asserted that the French were the politest nation in Europe due to this use of etiquette, and as a result similarly and foolishly also assumed that they were the weakest, until war with the French came and stunned the whole continent, rightfully. The fact that manners and war can go together is outlined in the following anecdote:

“During the war, some French soldiers and some non-French soldiers allied to France were being given their food rations in a village at the back of the lines. The French soldiers did not have many rations, but the non-French soldiers did. While the non-French soldiers were scurrying to eat their plentiful rations, the French soldiers quietly lined up, retrieved the rations provided to them and laid out a tablecloth on a flat rock, establishing a sort of makeshift table, on which they gathered around and started to chat regarding various things. The non-French soldiers all finished their meals before the French even got to eating, and they asked them ‘Why do you guys through all of this for the small amount of food they give you anyways?’ to which a French soldier replied ‘We are fighting for civilization, are we not? Therefore we must eat in a civilized way.’ “

The word “etiquette” was given to us by the French, and it is interesting to note that it originally came from the common modern adage “Keep off the grass.” When Louis XIV was in power, during the construction of the Garden of Versailles, the master gardener was an old Scotsman that had it up to here with his newly seeded lawns constantly being stepped on. In order to prevent this, he put up warning signs or tickets – aptly known as etiquettes – in order to lay out the direction for which travelers should pass in order to avoid trampling on his masterpiece. People however ignored this nevertheless, and continued to trample on the lawns. As a result, the Scotsman complained to the King who in turn issued an edict that forced everyone to “keep within the etiquettes”. As time passed, the definition for the terminology developed to cover all forms of good social conduct in human interactions that were designed as a way to be pleasant and therefore soothe out and iron out any sharp, uncomfortable or harsh quirks a person might have when socializing with others.

As feudalism waned and the onset of industrial behemoths took over much of society, the celebratory peripety of etiquette and garments practiced and worn by those members of the feudalistic courts were exchanged for something of a more practical and less formal demeanor. Trousers and coats superseded doublets and hose, and this change in attire also reflected the change in social intercourse techniques. Even though the courts no longer behaved as a mediator for how one should act, the aristocracy retained to be the shining example of what it was considered to be the creme de la creme of society.

Lord Chesterfield was such a practical man, and even he noticed the conjecture between manners and moral values, and how they were lacked in Europe’s courts. In one of his infamous letters to his son, he writes “Morality is the base for which all society stands upon, and this especially pertains to friendship, as he who shows attention, manners and graces towards his friends will strengthen and maintain his friendships.” He goes on to interject “Great triumphs or great defeats, will either cause people to love you or hate you, but doing nothing, or doing little, will make people either passively like you or dislike you, or neither.” Lord Chesterfield was truly an international man who held a perspective that was also as such due to his accumulated knowledge of the world, and no other writer in history has come close in terms of making the idea of manners and morals seem like a bunch of gobbledygook that only served it’s purpose in advancing a man’s career.

For moralists it has become apparent that the attitude expressed by Lord Chesterfield in his day was due to the general sortie of his time, as opposed to more modern ways of doing things and whatnot. Even amongst his harshest critics one will find an admittance of the fact that he is direct and shrewd in words, not withholding thought, opinion or judgement, similar to many people that exist today.

Despite this, one would have to remember that in those days, in Lord Chesterfield’s times, there was an abundance of philosophy and celebration when it came to democratic ideology such as freedom, paternal hierarchies and brotherhoods and simultaneously – equality. The new culture of the times replaced that which once had reigned, one of nobility and virtue, of aristocratic old blood families, of chivalry and refinement, as time went by and what made men nobler, which had all become a relic of the past, history to be remembered as what once was instead of what is.

The dawn of the industrial age forced these previous customs of grace and eloquence to be further sifted aside in exchange of the more crude, number crunching and scientific method, cold to the touch and devoid of humanity and modes of decorum, the more business like get to the point fashion that did not waste time on pleasantries. The way things had become had been a long time coming, at the turn of the century, the notable English social historian The Right Honorable G.W.E Russell was quoted in his remarks: “As far back as history of human beings go, we have always liked money. Despite this, around 100 years ago, we never really talked about it openly in public. A person’s familial background, whether he is of decent familial stock on both sides of the family, rank in the military or along the line of royals, what they have achieved so far in their lives, how they have contributed to literature, art and public service, all of these things still count in modern times. But it would take to combine them all in order to measure up against the power of money. The worship of money is one major characteristic of modernity and the times in which we live.”

In the age of Elizabeth, the time of glory, valor and knightly endeavors, some 300 years prior to this being said, Ben Jonson was remarked in saying how money was only but a small, insignificant layer of a man’s honor, yet he remarked “How hath all true reputation fallen since money began to have any!” Throughout history, the socially and intellectually degrading effect money has on human beings has been very well documented, and starts off as early as a warning in the Bible to modern times, points towards the fact that inevitably human beings will need to balance this greed with some higher means, such as intelligence, refined tastes and a positive affection toward’s one’s fellow man.

However, the same is true of the fact that since in the days of commercialization of intellectual effort, the things we value most, like technology and innovation, can be bought and sold, and therefore everything becomes measurable in it’s value with money as a standard to compare by.

Despite this standard’s permeability through the ages, it is not one which Christianity has taught it’s followers in terms of what should be a measure of a human being’s value. And yet, money is central to our very existence, our ability to both survive and succeed, and it is very rare indeed that those of us who don’t have much of it can do elegantly without it. And yet, those who have exorbitant amounts seem to live astonishingly well. This tends to be the modus vivendi in the minds of most. Americans in particular tend to be in a nation that at the time of this writing is the wealthiest, most prosperous, materially, and therefore yields the greatest promise.

This apparent reality is hard grained into the minds of Americans by those who observe it from the outside looking in, who could offer a comparison to nations and peoples of lesser material riches, and to the world it would seem America subtly pulls the marionette that is this planet and the countries and peoples that reside on it.

Due to this, each American as an individual feels the pressure surmounting as they must live up to this idealistic view of the nation as a whole, doing their part to live the role bestowed upon them by the expectations of the rest. And they often do, but in those moments in which he does not meet these expectations he can always turn to Gladstone for his wisdom: “Let us respect the ways of our forefathers and remember that, if the spirit of the virtuous has waned among our flock, the good in society has gone with it Let us embrace the mind that is teetotal, and patiently await the inevitable flurry of mistakes that will sooner or later catch up to us.”

Even America, as young a nation as she may be, also bears her own ways of the old, of the forefathers and predecessors. Despite this, with the constant influx of a variety of peoples, ethnicities, of cultures, and them intermingling to create her identity, one deviates from these ways of the old to the management of more important and pressing matters. These ways of the old include the refinement of one’s mannerisms in such a way that would prove beneficial to soothing the nerves of the moralists who fear the degradation of each passing generation will inevitably lead to a metastasis
enveloping this beautiful and blessed nation. Through the cultivation of good taste there will be the habitual avoidance of what theologians like to call “occasions of sin”. Religious reformers tend to constantly moan about a situation in which the degradation of manners is effectively caused by this lack of manners and etiquette, and the brooding of misunderstandings among mankind on an interpersonal level.

Aside from a grotesque sense of taste and manner, a worse devil is that of selfishness.

Selfishness is a trait that the old school fine society practiced to eradicate from their being, in which Dr. Pusey can be quoted: “Others were preferred to self, pain was given to no one, no one was neglected, deference was shown to the weak and the aged, and unconscious courtesy extended to all interiors.” This was the essence of the angelic elegance of the old manners, which Dr. Pusey demanded was “acting from Christian principle, and if it in any case it became soulless, as apart from Christianity, the beautiful form was there, into which the real life might re-enter.”

These series of articles aims to serve to bring back the most pleasant American mannerisms of the old schools, to serve as a study and guide for all who dare dream of a better world, of a better way to conduct themselves, to be more pleasant around others, to share in positive energy that is refined through the generations in it’s execution, and to outline how a person should talk and act, around different people, in any situation, from the most simple to the most complex.

These series of articles are derived from the impression that etiquette is a manner of conducting oneself regardless of time and place, that can be beneficial in any circumstance, with anyone. All sorts of odds and ends as it pertains to socially correct behavior is discussed and analyzed, all sorts of minutiae, be it picking the correct visiting card or how to eat corn on the cob without looking like a slob.

Issues surrounding proper clothing and attire for different occasions and in different company are also extensively assessed, both for men and women, with the same volume of information and devoted attention as would be when it comes to interior design and the education of an individual in matters of social intercourse and menage e trois. Despite this, we will not spend so much time on frivolous details and banal circumstances if it were to the detriment of being able to explain more important matters of the refinement of behavioral perfection. To continually nitpick and neurotically concentrate on frivolous details that can most of the time be disregarded for the sake of pragmatism, is like measuring the letters on a sign board on the side of the road as opposed to reaping the benefits by following the directions they give to a driver.

It is more important to dwell on important details and shun those who are consistent in manner when it comes to trampling the efforts of refined individuals to create a positive atmosphere.

To cultivate their surroundings with their good ways, by constantly bombarding them with vulgar drivel, recklessly and with malicious intent, to poison and destroy everything that has been built for generations, the manners which make man civilized and the creme de la creme, and them, the phlegm. It provides for a good illustration to compare the structure of etiquette to that of a house, where the foundation is a sound knowledge of ethics and ethical reasoning, and the rest of the structure being built from things like good taste, correct speech, calm and quiet demeanor, unassuming behavior and a proper pride of dignity.

The incorrect notion that politeness is often all a mode of giving but getting little to nothing in return for one’s efforts, should not be entertained. We need to remind ourselves of Coleridge’s definition of a gentleman when faced with these doubts: “We can feel the gentleman’s spirit in our presence”, he said, “whenever, under all circumstances of social intercourse, the trivial, not less than the important, through the whole detail of manner and deportment, and with the ease of a habit, a person shows respect to others in such a way as the same time implies, in his own
feelings, and habitually, an assured anticipation of reciprocal respect from them to himself. In short, the gentlemanly character arises out of the feeling of equality acting as a habit, yet flexible to the varieties of rank, and modified without being disturbed or superseded by them.”

There is a plethora of definitions regarding what it is to be a gentleman, and the nature of the gentleman.

Some of these definitions have become famous and yet, we see the absence of much deserved abundance for range of definitions for a lady. Maybe for the longest time it was something understood and not needed to be said, that both the characteristics and traits that apply to the gentlemen should in it’s gender equivalent terms and appropriate decorum, coexist with that of the lady, together with the feminine charisma that a woman carries. Similarly, how a woman’s place in society has become increasingly acknowledged for her importance and contribution, with it carries the responsibility that she conduct herself well, as well.

These series of articles are meant to provide an important piece of literature that can potentially change the quality of the life of the reader for something exponentially better, as he will become an agent of influence where others will be intoxicated by his presence, and will want to adjust their behavior accordingly. The reader will benefit from seeking a like minded crowd. In order to complete the excellence of this document, a nom de plume has been used for characters, settings and events that are derived from their real life counterparts, to showcase this completion.

These people come from all walks of life, and whether or not you can specifically enter the realm of fine society without fulfilling other requirements other than just good manners is not relevant to the ultimate task at hand. Even with a nom de plume, these individuals which we are about to present to you in these series of articles as role models for refined human behavior are of enough depth and interest to even the most fascinating human beings let alone the average layman that there is not need to reveal their identities, and is sufficient to serve the purpose as a fictionalized version of real men and women.

It is irrelevant to group these individuals of some superior form of human, for it not matter whether they are of wealthy stock, the importance here is their cultivated manners that make them superior and serve as a model for good etiquette and decorum, to make gods among men, and these can be built over time and do not need to be tutored from birth by a family with a long tradition in teaching it’s children good manners.

It is through this that society can grow and develop, that the myth of the immobile nature of the castes can be broken, and an intermingling of all those from different walks of life can give truth to the adage “Diversity is strength”. When poetry becomes a way of life as opposed to just a way of writing is when an individual truly reaches an extolled level of existence and spiritual ascension.

The most important thing here to note is the diversity with which these American individuals hail from, and how they have all come together to engage in social intercourse vis a vis an explosion of refined character, on the bosom of contemporary society. They are not reminiscent of that which the layman despises, that caused many a Communist revolutions, the incessant snobbery that is often a negative byproduct of being born into a wealthy family or the spoilage that cometh with the accumulation of wealth but not the refinement of manners and the self reminder of one’s duties and one’s vulnerability to cultivate the right sense of humility, for wealth alone is not what maketh a man a superior specimen above all others, as many a vagabond were able to accumulate wealth in a dishonest manner yet their character did not change, nor the fact that it was dishonest, nor their vagabond status.

Some of these are middle class, some working class, their housing, attire and mode of transportation not extravagant, expensive or flashy, are more down to Earth, more in tune with the common man. These are parents, children, relatives and friends all who have been there and done that, who have gone through the ups and downs in life, where others once where they have been and where we have yet to go, from start to finish, and here to offer their advice for the betterment of humankind. There is no rock left unturned, as every situation is canvassed, every question is answered and every answer is questioned, rest assured, you can sleep safe at night and there is no need for doubt to arise. As you read on, you will realize the benevolent intention of these series of literature pieces, meant to give humans an understanding of each other, a mode of communication that is timeless, pleasurable, hedonistic, fair and equitable, that is refined and seeks to offend no one, but to accommodate them by any means necessary. It is not a code of snobs, not one just meant for ploys, for those who wish to uplift themselves above the meager and with their tongues caress the bottoms of those above, but instead a code by which to live, to give respect and get respect, both towards oneself and to all others. In order to prevent a springing of conceited whims with the accumulation of this method of doing, it is best to remember the words of Ben Jonson:

“Nor stand so much on your gentility,
Which is an airy, and mere borrowed thing,
From dead men’s dust, and bones, and none of yours,
Except you make, or hold it.”